Everybody has bad days and feels the blues. But what can you do when things get more serious? When a friend goes from down to depressed, it’s hard to figure out what to say other than, “It’ll all be OK.” Thankfully, there are many things you can do assist the people in your life who are struggling with mental health issues, and as of 2021, a lot of us are struggling. We spoke to experts to find the best ways to help a friend with depression—here’s everything you need to know, including what to say and when it’s OK to say nothing at all.
How to help a friend with depression
- Reach out. “Depression can feel isolating,” says Alisha Powell, Ph.D., therapist, and social worker. When a person gets depressed, often their first response is to cut themselves off from their friends. Yet, maintaining relationships is one of the best ways to deal with depressive episodes. It’s important for your friend to know that you support them, however emotional or detached they may seem. “Don’t be afraid to call or text even if they aren’t super responsive,” says Dr. Powell. It might be hard for a depressed friend to reach out, so you may need to make a little more effort to keep in touch, but it’s worth it. Even the occasional text or coffee meet up can help someone feel like they’re not alone.
- Avoid clichés. “Don’t say ‘Things will get better,’ ‘Tomorrow is another day,’ ‘I know how you’re feeling,’ because in all honesty, you don’t,” says Dr. Bethany Cook, a clinical psychologist and author of For What It’s WorthFor What It’s Worth. “Even if you suffer from depression, everyone’s experience is vastly different.” When someone’s down, it’s hard to think of anything to say other than “It’ll get better,” but that cliché won’t help your friend. Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist and author of It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction, suggests some sympathetic statements. “Saying ‘I’m sorry that happened to you,’ or, ‘You don’t deserve that’ are all good responses that will tell your friend you understand.” It’s not your job to fix your friend or “make everything better.” Instead, try to reflect their emotions back to them. An old fashioned “That really sucks” can go a long way in validating your friend’s feelings.
- Ask them what they want. Instead of worrying about what you should do to help—just ask! “One person might really want help finding a therapist or psychiatrist, but since depression steals your energy and motivation, they’re having a hard time,” says Aimee Daramus, Psy.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist. “Another person might need to vent. Another person might want you to sit on the sofa with them and watch TV.” Some friends just need to know that you’re OK being around them, even when they’re not OK. Knowing you won’t run and hide if they start crying will help your friend feel more relaxed and less isolated. Dr. Daramus warns that you might not always agree with what they want. Maybe they just want to binge watch The Great British Baking Show while you think they should be cleaning their house or finding a new job. But your job isn’t to solve their problems, your only goal is to make them feel supported. “Accept them where they’re at,” says Dr. Daramus, “if you want to have a chance of helping them get better.”
- Listen … and listen some more. “Your friend needs someone who can hear whatever the problem is,” says Dr. Tessina. “It doesn’t matter if it seems like a small or big problem to you—it’s overwhelming to your friend, and he or she needs to talk about it. A lot.” Though “just listen” seems like easy advice, it can be hard to bear witness to your friend’s problems. “Listening may take a long time, or go on for several sessions,” says Dr. Tessina. “Your friend has probably not felt safe to talk about it before this, so it’s bottled up.” You may need to listen to similar stories over and over. Sometimes you might think, “That’s not really a big deal.” But you’re not there to judge their problems. Simply being open to their emotions can greatly ease their pain and help them out of their darker feelings even faster.
- Just sitting is OK. If you usually make big plans for a night out with a friend who’s going through depression, you might want to rethink your approach, at least for the time being. “Go to visit without any expectations of being entertained,” says Laurel Steinberg, PhD, New York-based relationship therapist. “Sometimes just sitting next to someone and watching a movie can help to remind them that they are worthy of having someone go out of their way for them.” You don’t need to keep your friend busy and definitely don’t expect them to pull out a party platter and play charades. But by being physically present, even just on the couch, you’re helping them heal.
- Do some cleaning. An easy thing to do for a friend suffering from depression is to pick up a sponge and do a little cleaning. “Ask if you can help tidy up their home environment,” says Steinberg. “Existing in an organized space is not only more comfortable and aesthetically pleasing, but it has also been shown to boost people’s moods.” Make sure that you don’t break out the broom without asking. Some friends might not like someone organizing their personal space, but others will appreciate the help and welcome you doing a dish or two. Steinberg likes bringing a bouquet of fresh, sunny flowers to make the newly cleaned space feel even more welcoming.
- Work it out. A review from the Boston University School of Medicine found that exercise greatly reduced the symptoms of clinical depression. Even better, it didn’t matter if you did a boot camp class or a light walk. Simply getting regular exercise, of any kind, helped people with depression feel better. If you can help a friend get a little more exercise, it’ll benefit both of you. “So, be that friend (if your mate agrees) who takes the lead role and gets you both moving!” says Dr. Cook. “Baby steps are totally fine.“ Even if you can take a quick walk together, that added activity will help.
- Encourage outside help. Very few people are excited about the idea of going to therapy, but talking to a professional is often the best way to treat depression, says Dr. Powell. Gently suggest therapy to a friend in need. Even better, suggest a specific therapist or offer to find one for them.
- Ask about harm. Depression isn’t always just feeling down. At times, it can get dangerous. To make sure your friend isn’t in harm’s way, it’s OK to ask about risk. “Ask if they’ve done any self-harm or if they’ve thought of suicide,” says Dr. Daramus. “You won’t accidentally put the idea in their head, I promise.” If your friend has considered self-harm because they feel worthless or unwanted, make sure to let them know how much you care, says Dr. Daramus. When a person’s depressed, it’s easy for them to believe that all their worst thoughts are true. Thankfully, you can remind them of the whole story (not just the negative) and help your friend gain perspective. If things are more serious, you may need to go beyond just listening. “If your friend won’t talk, or talks about suicide or hurting someone else, then it’s time for action,” says Dr. Tessina. “Don’t worry if your friend said not to tell—that’s just the time when telling may save a life.” Most major hospitals have a number for mental health emergencies or you can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline anytime at 1-800-273-8255.
- Don’t give up. “Depression can be very tenacious. After all the support and encouragement you may be offering, it is tempting to throw your hands up and move on when your friend doesn’t respond, take action, or try anything new,” says Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, therapist and director of the Baltimore Therapy Center. “But hang in there.” Being the always supportive friend can be emotionally taxing. Be sure to take time for your own mental health and don’t pressure yourself to be at your friend’s beck and call. Just try to be a part of their life. “Keep up the supportive messages, the hopeful words, and stick around,” says Bilek. “Just getting the message that you’re not going anywhere can be helpful and encouraging to your friend.” Depression isn’t easy on anyone, whether you’re the person suffering or the friend standing by. But with patience, listening, and support, you can be there for a friend when they need you the most. Is it depression or just the winter blahs? Find out if you have seasonal affective disorder.
Sources
Yale News: “Yale researchers size up the mental health toll of the pandemic"Alisha Powell, Ph.D., therapist, and social workerDr. Bethany Cook, a clinical psychologist and author of For What It’s WorthFor What It’s WorthLaurel Steinberg, PhD, New York-based relationship therapist.
