It was my first Christmas and holiday season without my mom, who passed away earlier this year, and I’m having trouble grappling with my grief. I’m just dreading the entire holiday season and the hole I’ll have in my heart. How can I manage to get through it? —Amy, 35, NC Dear Amy: First, please know how truly sorry I am about the loss of your mom. I understand your struggle from firsthand experience. The holidays are the hardest time of the year for those grappling with grief. Christmas dredges up such visceral memories of family. Every ornament and recipe reminds us of someone we love. And that’s compounded when we look on social media to see others celebrating a seemingly perfect Christmas. In the midst of all the holiday cheer, there’s rarely room for grief. Growing up, my family personified the holidays. My mother and father were a real-life Mr. and Mrs. Claus, my grandma (Viola Shipman, my pen name, to honor my working poor Ozarks grandmother), drenched her home in lights and filled her yard with dancing inflatables. She had the most magical Shiny Brite Christmas ornaments and bought so many gifts for our family that she had to create a walkway through her living room. But my brother, Todd, loved winter and the holidays most of all. He was our king of Christmas. Todd loved nothing more than cutting down a pine from our woods every year, dragging it into the house and drenching it in tinsel. But when he died in a tragic accident when he was just 17, and I was 13, it crushed our family. We were grief-stricken, and the holidays only magnified our pain. I expected future Christmases to come and go as quietly as a church mouse, but the following December I walked into the living room one evening to find my grandma, a seamstress, and my mom, a hospice nurse, putting up a tree they had cut down in our woods, dragged into the house, wedged into a tree stand and drenched in tinsel. My mom patted the shag carpet in front of the shimmering tree, and I took a seat. “Think of how much your brother loved this holiday,” she whispered to me, tears in her eyes. “Why are we all trying so hard to forget about him? We shouldn’t just cast our memories away. We should start treating Todd like he’s still here. Because he is. And always will be. We should celebrate his memory.” Their faith, strength and resilience changed my life and holidays forever. And I hope you remember there are so many around you who not only love you but also need you and your love and strength. In addition, remember how much your mother loved you, and that by celebrating her memory – despite how hard it is to do so right now – it helps to keep her alive in your and your family’s hearts. I lost my own mother in 2009. I lost my father in 2015. And I lost my father-in-law to Covid in 2020. The holidays never get any easier for me. And this holiday season, in particular, will be particularly painful for you and so many Americans. We’ve lost over 800,000 parents, grandparents, siblings and friends, and we too often forget these aren’t just numbers, they’re names, like Todd, and my father-in-law, George, and your mother, Amy. There will be too many empty chairs at the table, and too many empty holes under the tree and in our hearts. And those of us who are suffering too often try to hide from the holidays, praying they will pass as quickly as Santa’s sleigh. What I believe we must do is celebrate the memories of those we love. We must reach out to those who need a holiday hug more than ever this year. And we must be strong, not only for those we’ve lost but for those who still need us. That’s why I still drench a tree in tinsel. I still have my grandma’s ornaments. And when I put these out and bask in my glowing tree, I am surrounded by family, even though they’re no longer with me. I wrote my first holiday novel, The Secret of Snow, to answer your question, Amy: How do we go on at the holidays after losing someone we love? The Secret of Snow is meant not only as a huge holiday hug to readers but also a beautiful reminder that, no matter if those we love are no longer with us, family still surrounds us. It is a gentle nudge to reach out to those who need a hug, to let them know you care and that the names of all we’ve lost and still love shimmer as brightly as tinsel, and that their memories will never fade away as long as we refuse to let them. Please know, Amy, I’m sending HUGE holiday hugs and love to you and your family as well as to those whose holidays have been impacted by loss. We will get through this together. Viola Shipman is the pen name of USA Today and internationally bestselling novelist and memoirist Wade Rouse, who chose his grandmother’s name as a way to honor her sacrifices and love. His latest Viola Shipman novel, THE SECRET OF SNOW (Graydon House; available now) is an instant USA Today bestseller and a deeply moving story about family tradition, loss, coming home, winter and second chances. For more, please visit www.violashipman.com Catch up on all our Novel Advice columns here.
