“I divorced five years ago and was dating someone after that for three years. I really thought he was the one—the one to show me that true love does exist. Whether it was a mix of COVID boredom, lack of conversation or just outgrowing each other, we decided to end our relationship last week. I’m heartbroken. I’m 36 and feel like I just wasted the last three years of my life with someone who wasn’t even meant to be. I’m looking for another apartment right now and can’t believe I have to start dating again. I just feel pathetic after another failed relationship. How do I deal?” —Kayleigh, 37, CA Blackburn: Kayleigh, my heart goes out to you. Break-ups are painful—whatever the reason for the split. As humans, we enter relationships with optimism, with all these hopes and dreams for the future. We desperately want to believe that we’ve found “The One”. So, when things don’t work out, it can feel as though someone has ripped out our heart and stamped on it. This is because in addition to the loss of the relationship, is the loss of what could have been, which brings a profound sense of disappointment and grief. Firstly, I want you to know that your emotions and feelings about yourself are completely normal; although, you are far from pathetic. No logical person enters a relationship expecting it not to work out. But because we do not know what the future holds, love, as much as it’s a beautiful thing, is also a risk. Anytime we enter a new relationship, we are actively choosing hope over fear. For this reason, I think you should give yourself grace. Even after your divorce, you decided to give love a second shot—no one can take this courage away from you. You may feel as though you’ve wasted the last three years, but once you’ve taken the time to reflect on the relationship, you’ll find that you’ve gained some learnings; perhaps about yourself or what you want/do not want in a future partner or what you can do better next time. Also, ask yourself, if you had spent the last three years single—and by single, I mean, despite your dating efforts, you never found someone to be exclusive with—would you still feel the same way? My guess is, yes, as your efforts haven’t yielded the result you want—which is true love. However, be careful that you’re not equating how successful your life is based on your relationship status. The very act of trying, ‘getting your toe wet’, is something you should give yourself credit for because, as mentioned earlier, you chose faith. You followed your heart. In your question, I noticed that you mentioned a lot of numbers from your age to how long ago you got divorced, etc. And while I understand this is to provide context, I could also sense that you feel as though there is an invisible ticking clock, as you mentioned your disbelief that you have to start dating again. Honestly, right now, I don’t think you should be thinking about that. You’re freshly out of a relationship, so give yourself time to heal. How long will it take? Since we’re not doing numbers right now, I wouldn’t recommend applying any more pressure on yourself by setting a deadline. Instead, take incremental steps, each day, towards self-healing. Talking is therapeutic. Share how you’re feeling with trusted family members and friends. Perhaps even consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in a similar situation; avoid going on this journey alone. Knowing that there are others that you can reach out to, will help you when you’re feeling low. But remember, moving on is the goal. While expressing your feelings will provide some relief, it’s also important to not dwell on any negative emotions. Blame, anger and resentment will rob you of valuable energy that can go towards healing and moving forward. I’m also a big advocate for therapy. A professional counsellor can support you with managing some of the anxiety you have about your future and help you gain perspective. In my book, Yinka, Where Is Your Huzband?, a therapist helps Yinka to realise that even though she is single, she is still worthy of love, and she goes on this self-discovery journey of finding out who she is without the constructs of a relationship. After a break-up, you can feel as though you’re at a crossroad. Your life, which was once so closely interconnected with your partner’s, is suddenly disrupted, and you now have to figure out what it means to be you outside of a relationship again. As overwhelming as this sounds, this is also an optimal opportunity to focus on yourself—what you need, what matters to you. It’s also a chance to do some honest self-evaluation. Did I lose a bit of myself while I was in the relationship? How can I work towards becoming the best version of me? Is there anything that I’ve been longing to pursue that I’ve put on the back-burner? By journaling your thoughts and working with a therapist, you can gradually begin to unpack some of these bigger questions. And hopefully, by putting in some actions too, you can make the most of your life and be optimistic again. Lastly, remind yourself that you have a future. A breakup is the end of a chapter, but it’s also the beginning of another. When you’re ready, and only when you’re ready, perhaps explore taking on new interests or hobbies to help you focus on the present, rather than dwelling on the past. You mentioned that you’re looking for a new apartment. Settling into a new home and making it truly yours may actually be one of the best ways to help you heal. Similarly, as well as starting something new, getting back to a routine can provide a comforting sense of normalcy and structure. But remember, patience is key. Ultimately, everyone heals differently, so listen to your inner voice and do what’s right for you. In time, you can get through this. Catch up on all our Novel Advice columns here.
