When Sara Church first decided to seek out a therapist to help her through some difficulties in her marriage, she found herself sitting in a therapist’s office a week later discussing her life and her relationship. But she knew immediately that it wasn’t a good match. “It felt like she looked at me as if I had two heads,” the mental health advocate and the author of Mending My Mind says. She says that while she was feeling insecure at the time, her therapist’s reaction made her feel as if something was wrong with her and she didn’t feel comfortable. It prompted Church to seek out another therapist, who ended up being a better fit for her. But first, it required a “breakup,” something that’s uncomfortable for everybody, whether it’s a romantic partner, friend, or in this case, a therapist. There’s currently a shortage of mental health providers, an outcome of the stressors brought on by the pandemic. In fact, according to USAFacts, 37% of the U.S. population lives in a mental health professional shortage area (as of mid-2021). This shortage has forced people dealing with conditions like depression and anxiety to continue seeing therapists who aren’t an ideal match. And their mental health can suffer as a result. If this sounds like you, and you’d like to know how to end things with your therapist in a way that benefits both parties, read on for helpful tips from experts and also learn how to find a therapist who suits your needs.
Signs it’s not a good fit
Dr. Joanne Frederick, a Washington, D.C.-based licensed mental health counselor, says that these signs signal that it’s time to move on to another therapist. If your therapist…
Makes you feel judged or ashamedMakes you feel uncomfortable in sharing your feelings“Socializes” with you too much and goes off-topic from your issuesDoesn’t give you any tools or skills to work onOnly passively listens and agrees with you
…you likely need to switch therapists. “A therapist/patient relationship must have synergy,” Dr. Frederick notes. “If you don’t click, this might not be the right therapist.” Dr. Frederick adds that since there are different modalities of therapy, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, your therapist may simply practice a modality that isn’t resonating with you, which can also result in a mismatch. Additionally, if you’ve spent months or years with the same therapist and you haven’t progressed, you should consider a change.
Ways to “break up” with a therapist
Be vocal with your concerns
Dr. Frederick says that before you end the relationship between you and your therapist, try letting them know your concerns. “If they adjust and you both come to a place that works for you, you can maintain the relationship,” she says. “If you have been seeing them for a period of time and they seem to ignore your concerns or can’t adjust, have that conversation. It may feel like you’re ending a romantic relationship, which can feel scary, but let them know things aren’t working the way you want or need them to. Therapy is meant to work for you, so don’t be afraid to find someone you’ll be more comfortable with.” It may be tempting to evade or “ghost” your therapist, but instead, you can treat this as a chance to practice healthy communication.
Pick the right moment
“Try not to do the break up at the end of the session,” Dr. Frederick says. “Ending things at the beginning will give you both time to speak about it thoroughly. Most people avoid conflict, especially breakups.”
Think of it as an opportunity to grow
The goal of all therapy is to grow as a person and feel better about yourself, which means you can treat this breakup as a chance to be brave and further develop skills and coping mechanisms. Church says that honesty is important in any relationship, and this includes the relationship with your therapist. “The thing is when I started counseling, I was afraid to fully open up or tell the whole truth because I didn’t want to share anything that might make my therapist think less of me,” she reflects. “Learning to be open and authentic in life took time and required me to push myself out of my comfort zone. A great place to practice being real and truthful is in therapy.” Church says that this includes breaking up with a therapist when it’s not right for you or when it’s time to move in a different direction. “Ending therapy wasn’t an easy decision for me to make,” she says. “I took the less authentic approach with my first therapist and just canceled my appointment and didn’t schedule another. However, when it was time to move on from my next therapist, I shot straight and said that I had learned and grown a lot and now it was time for me to move on. I thanked her for everything. The conversation was hard for me, but my ability to have difficult conversations is an indicator of my progress and hard conversations are part of life.”
How to find a therapist who suits your needs
Your search for a therapist should be a high priority for you. Consider it to be an important relationship in your life since it ultimately benefits your mental health and improves your overall wellbeing. “Find a relationship that works for you,” Dr. Frederick advises. “Therapy is infinitely more effective when there’s a solid human connection. You owe it to yourself to find someone who will help you be the best version of yourself.” Both experts share approaches to take when seeking out a new therapist:
Think of your goals ahead of time—this will give you some semblance of a guide for finding a therapist who has the same objectives you will.Ask trusted friends and family for any recommendations.Ask for a referral from your doctor.If researching online, make sure that a prospective therapist is educated in the field of psychology or social work, is a licensed counselor, has availability, and provides an overview of their approach.When sitting down for a first session, ask the therapist questions that matter to you and pay attention to how they respond.Learn more about the modality of therapy they practice.
“Sometimes it takes a few sessions to figure out if someone is the right fit, and that’s okay,” Church says. “We are investing time, trust, and money into seeing a therapist. It’s important to make sure that the therapist is a trained professional and meets your needs.” Next up, learn even more about how to find a therapist who’s the right fit.
Sources
The Journal of the American Medical Association: “Prevalence of Depression Symptoms in US Adults Before and During the COVID-19 Pandemic”Sara Church, a mental health advocate and the author of Mending My Mind.Dr. Joanne Frederick, a Washington, D.C. licensed mental health counselor.USAFacts: “Over one-third of Americans live in areas lacking mental health professionals”
