She learned to view her past as a culmination of choices made and not a series of things that merely happened to her, a mindset she hopes readers will take away from her book. “In my experience, whatever your bottom is, is actually the good news. Because from that dark place is where the wellspring of opportunity and rebirth comes from.” In Out of the Corner (Ballantine), Grey opens up about the plastic surgery procedure that turned her life—and career—temporarily upside down. After her initial success, the actress underwent a minor rhinoplasty. But nearly a year later, her nose (one of her most distinctive features) wasn’t healing correctly. When Grey went back under the knife to repair it, she unwillingly came out with a different nose, rendering her unrecognizable to everyone from the paparazzi to friends and family members. “In the world’s eyes, I was no longer me. I had unwittingly joined the Witness Protection Program,” she recalls. We caught up with Grey to talk about the surgery, how she safeguards her mental health, her life after a mutually respectful divorce from Avengers actor Clark Gregg and how she deals with lingering back pain years after a car crash. Looking back on your nose job, what thoughts do you have? I never wanted to have a nose job, ever. I fought my whole life against that pressure. I said, “I’m going to champion myself; I am going to stand by the face I was born with.” But when I couldn’t get work, it was like a magic trick. Then [after the second surgery to repair the first], it suddenly became the opposite. So I had to give up the idea that my worth comes from other people’s opinion of me. You’ve said your nose was a really bizarre confluence of events—the surgery, the way people responded afterward, etc. Can you explain that? No one moment defines any of us. We have these messy, complicated lives. And it was so reductive and so unfair, from my perspective. To feel misunderstood by anybody’s not great. But to feel misunderstood in a global sense was so frustrating. I realized, “I can set the record straight. I can explain it to you. I’m kind of tired of it but let me just give it to you this way.” And what I noticed was it so doesn’t matter. It’s just a weird thing that happened. And what people choose to take away from that is their business. But I know that for me, that was the moment that set me free. It was the best thing that happened to me. It was also very traumatic, and confounding and I felt so alone. I realized working through this was an inner job. And I’m going to have to basically redefine how I define success. How do I have a happy life? And all of a sudden, it opened up for me. I had never touched that kind of freedom before. The culture is very powerful in the zeitgeist of what we are supposed to look like and do and be. I hope my daughter and her friends or any woman or man reading this book who has felt somehow minimized or devalued because of any quality realizes that however we decide what our perimeter is for who we are, what we can be, is really an illusion. And it all starts from deep, deep commitment to yourself. What was it like revisiting Dirty Dancing while writing this book? Dirty Dancing was so challenging when we were making it. There were so many obstacles. But to learn the dances, to learn that mambo and to have [choreographer] Kenny Ortega teach it to me—then do it with Patrick [Swayze]—was such a magical experience. I had so much resistance to writing that chapter of the book. And then when I was writing it, I got so much pleasure. I understood the nuances that I hadn’t gotten before. But the idea that [Patrick] is not here to reminisce with is so sad and strange. What else did you gain from the writing process? Writing this book was more than therapeutic. It was freeing. And the pandemic provided the right space. I was really unpacking my life in a way that probably has to do with my age. I was looking at my life through the lens of a journalist, following the breadcrumbs backward and asking, “Wait, how did I get here?” What does your daily routine look like? I’ve learned to appreciate that life is messy. It’s complicated for everybody. I like to focus on what makes me happy. And how do I pack more of that into my day? How do I make it not the exception but the rule? How many ingredients can I put into my day that actually lift my spirits? It’s very simple stuff like being in nature, taking a moment to meditate or to recognize gratitude. How do you stay on top of your own mental wellness? Mental health has to be front and center. To me, it’s about community. It’s about having a really solid group of people that check in with me and who I check in with. Feeling like you’re in a pack is really critical for not feeling alone with whatever you’re going through. You competed on Dancing with the Stars in season 11. What was that like? I had to overcome horrible stage fright in order to compete on Dancing with the Stars. The most incentivizing entity has been my daughter [Stella, now 20]. I noticed my hypocrisy telling her, “It’s really important that you not worry what other people think about you. It’s OK to be a beginner. It’s OK to not know what you’re doing.” But there was this big disconnect between what I was telling her and what I was doing. I realized it was just fear of being embarrassed, fear of the humiliation. I decided that the only way to deal with anxiety is exposure. So, I said, “I’m going for the thing that I’m afraid of because on the other side of that is freedom.” How do you view weight loss or diets? I don’t think about losing weight. I think about being healthy. I have a very naturally healthy palate—although I do like those vegan marshmallows a lot. I eat lightly because I don’t have a huge appetite. I’m always snacking, and I know what makes my body happy. I think of it like fuel and pleasure. I don’t make myself eat things I don’t like, and I don’t restrict myself from things I love. But I’m not interested in fast food or a lot of processed things. Physically, how are you staying fit? What does an exercise routine look like to you? I was dancing from my time on Dancing with the Stars until the pandemic, and I was obsessed. I went back to ballet. I was pole dancing. I was doing any kind of dance movement I could. I’ve been really missing it for the past two years, and I’m dying to get back. To me, dance is joy because you’re out of your head. And it’s very hard to not be in joy when you’re moving. You’ve managed chronic pain since the car accident you were in in the late ‘80s. How have you adjusted? Have you ever heard that expression, “motion is the lotion?” It’s all about staying active. I’ve had a lot of neurological spinal work done [much of which is the lingering result of a severe neck injury she sustained in a 1986 car accident]: six spinal surgeries, artificial disc replacements, a fusion of my neck, a diskectomy. I ruptured my L4 and L5, so I had that fused. And I had my spinal cord untethered. But I manage pain by exercising. I’m really into walking these days. That’s how I like to socialize: walking on the bike path, walking on the beach, walking and talking or walking and listening to a podcast or a book. What type of exercise do you enjoy or find helps most? I do this thing called foundation training [which is designed to strengthen your lower back, remedy posture and redefine the core]. It was created by two guys, one of which is my strength coach, Peter Park. They came up with it so that people wouldn’t have to have back surgery. It’s always hard, but it’s the most effective way that I have mitigated pain. I believe there are ways to never stop moving. If I take a couple of days off or travel, I can be in a lot of pain because my body doesn’t like the static. It needs to rest, but I prefer standing to sitting, walking to sitting. I just want to be moving. I’m always tinkering my strategy as I age. As women, our bodies are always changing. I try to listen kindly to what mine is wanting or needing, whether it’s changing what I eat or how I move, or getting new shoes. I don’t know how many more days I have in high heels! What’s the best thing that has ever happened to you? Having Stella. Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs to do well because there’s no perfection. This book could be called the perfection of imperfection because it’s about striving and trying. Being a successful mother means doing your job so well that they leave you, and it’s weird. And at the same time, it’s correct and natural. My daughter and I have been doing this thing since she was little. When we can’t sleep, we go through the alphabet and take turns saying one thing we’re grateful for, with each letter of the alphabet. We can never repeat what we’ve said before and it can be silly things or deep things. When you say it, you get this feeling—it makes you think really hard about the things we take for granted. It’s very soothing and can help you go to sleep. How do you view your happiness, joy in life right now? I have never been this happy in my life. I’m grateful that I have a wonderful ex-husband and a wonderful daughter. I feel healthy. And I love my friends. I never feel lonely. And I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing. If it’s not broke, don’t fix it. I was married for a long time, and I’m just really enjoying doing my own thing right now. There’s something about being this age with a 20-year-old daughter and a wonderful ex-husband—I feel full and I feel taken care of just by myself.
