Relationships are tricky and even the best couples hit rough patches time and time again. It’s when communication breaks down or trust erodes that things become serious and could lead to divorce. “Most couples that I know have communication issues and those can be resolved in counseling,” says SJ Elliott, JD., M.Ed, founder of Getting Past Your Breakup. So if you’re wondering “Should I get a divorce,” going to relationship therapy is the ideal first step. However, if you’ve tried therapy and it hasn’t worked—or if you’re simply curious about what signs indicate that your marriage is over—read on to see what signs divorce experts say are the most common indicators of divorce.
Should I Get a Divorce? Signs Your Marriage is Over
- There’s infidelity. “If someone has been or you suspect someone is being unfaithful, then there is a good chance the marriage is over,” says relationship expert Lauren Peacock, author of Female. Likes Cheese. Comes with Dog.: Stories About Divorce, Dating, and Saying “I Do” and creator of The Divorce Case subscription box. “While not impossible, there is only a small percentage of marriages that recover from infidelity, since infidelity tends to destroy the sense of trust.”
- You two are not on the same page about kids in your future. “If your ideas about starting a family have changed and you don’t want the same things, then you’ll want to call it quits now so you both can find happiness in other relationships,” Peacock says.
- There’s verbal, physical or emotional abuse. “If your partner is constantly abusing you or you feel threatened, you should get out of the relationship immediately and seek help,” Peacock advises.
- Only one partner wants to fix and save the marriage. “If a person doesn’t want to work on what’s wrong (anything short of cheating or abuse), then it’s time for a divorce,” says Elliott. “It takes two people to fix a marriage."
- You have drastically different parenting styles. If one parent has a very authoritarian or permissive parenting style and the other objects and they argue about it all the time, it could be a sign your marriage is over, says Elliott. “That’s not good for the kids and any environment that isn’t good for the kids should be discontinued.” Children flourish in a peaceful environment and people should never stay together ‘for the children’ if there isn’t peace.”
- When all trust deteriorates. “If you feel that you question every statement that your spouse makes—whether it be as simple as where he/she went for dinner to larger items such as whether he/she is being truthful about money or fidelity—that is a terrible way to live,” Jacqueline Newman, lawyer and managing partner of Berkman, Bottger, Newman & Schein LLP. “It is usually a sign that the marriage is over.”
- When all communication has ended. “If you and your spouse are moving through life in mute mode (and it is not just comfortable silence), you may want to consider therapy to open the lines of communication,” Newman suggests. “If one spouse wants to speak about his/her day and have a healthy relationship but is constantly shut down by the other spouse, that can be a sign that this marriage may be nearing the end.”
- Therapy isn’t working—or one partner refuses to participate. Seeking outside help when your marriage is in trouble could be just what you need to turn things around. But if you’ve been giving it your best shot for a fair amount of time or your partner doesn’t want to participate, it’s a sign your marriage is likely over.
- Your intimacy is non-existent. Healthy relationships thrive on intimacy—both the physical and emotional kind—so if you’re not in a place where you can be vulnerable and open with your partner in either regard, it could be a sign your marriage is over…or at least headed in that direction.s
- You refuse to compromise. All relationships involve a degree of compromise, but if you or your partner are constantly stonewalling one another—one of the top predictors of divorce according to the Gottman Institute—it could be a sign your marriage is over. Check out…15 Signs You’re Falling Out of Love12 Things You Should Never Say to Your Partner13 Ways to Grow Stronger as a Couple50 Marriage Prayers4 Top Predictors of Divorce
