Hi there! Like almost every parent I talk to, it’s been a hard 12+ months since the COVID pandemic started. My three kids are virtually learning three days a week (or more) and I try to squeeze in my part-time job whenever I can. It feels like fight or flight every single day—and it’s a struggle. Lately, though, I’ve been finding it really hard to get through daily tasks, like cooking and cleaning, without feeling an undercurrent of anger and resentment. It’s just this general cranky feeling I have. Do you have any tips for my cranky feeling and how to break it? —Alicia, 36, SC Meaghan Murphy: “Please know that you are not alone, Alicia. I am also a mom of three and “teacher” was never something I wanted to add to my resume. Homeschooling during a pandemic while trying to also work is harrrrrd (with all the extra Rs!). But here’s the thing: Even when you can’t change your circumstances, you can change one very important thing—your outlook. And when you do that, something magical happens. The hard stuff becomes way easier to deal with. I learned this “cognitive reappraisal” technique and transformed from an angsty grump to a sunshiny yay-maker through years of trial and error as a service journalist at places like Woman’s Day, Good Housekeeping, Cosmo and SELF. I used myself as a guinea pig, road testing the latest research in positive psychology and neuroscience to find out exactly what works in real life. My new book out today Your Fully Charged Life is a happiness handbook that that will give you all the tools to move through YOUR toughest days with more optimism and joy. Here are a few tricks I’ve been relying on to find some YAY every day—even when what I really want to do is curl up and cry in the back seat of my car…ALONE. So my first trick is to make a “gratitude adjustment.” Feeling grateful creates a force field against energy-draining emotions like resentment. Easier said than done, right?! Keeping a gratitude journal is a foolproof way to cultivate that attitude of gratitude and if that works for you, fantastic! Truth be told: It feels a little too homework-y for me. I’ve had success by asking myself and my family: What made you say YAY today? around the kitchen table at dinnertime. Sharing the day’s highlights is a fun way to pause and appreciate the good in life and dull the cranky. Another strategy: Try swapping “have to” for “get to.” When I shared this approach with my friend Jen, she shifted her mindset around bedtime for her three young girls, going from Ugh, I have to do the routine to I get to put these three strong women-in-the-making to bed. And it changed everything. Life isn’t fun 24/7, but it does not have to drain you. This tweak helps you realize that you honestly don’t have to do much; you get to live this life, which, for the most part, you created and create. My next tip is: Set your life to a soundtrack! Music is mood food, plain and simple. Research shows it triggers the release of dopamine, a feel-good chemical and part of the reward center of your brain, and that it has a unique ability to motivate, inspire and physically energize you. There’s just so much good science behind this! For example, during physical tests that require short bursts of energy, people do better if they listen to upbeat music first. Similarly, people don’t get exhausted as quickly during a workout when listening to an upbeat, motivational playlist. A study in the Lancet even reported that listing to music before, during and after surgery lowered levels of perceived pain and anxiety postprocedure. Other research suggests that if you’re trying to feel happier, listing to upbeat tunes can work. And in my own field research: Bopping around to Jack Johnson 100% makes emptying the dishwasher way more fun! Once you’ve cued up your playlist, give yourself a pep talk! My son James will tell you he’s the best basketball player on the court, the fastest dude in lacrosse, the best artist in class…Kids point out how they shine because recognition and attention feel so good. That doesn’t change when we grow up, but how often do we moms get a gold-star?! Take a minute every day to pat yourself on the back with even a fraction of kid-level swagger. Whether you make the best mac ‘n cheese on the planet or conquered three loads of laundry, own that awesomeness! Then pass on the praise to a fellow mom who is most definitely struggling, too. So, this one is a little quirky, but I’ve found that specific, small behavior shifts can really have the biggest impact on your mood. Are you ready for it? Straighten up! How you carry yourself affects how you feel. Researchers call it “embodied cognition,” finding that slouching can actually activate a negative mood and make it harder to bounce back when you’re down! Sitting or standing up straight, on the other hand, helps maintain self-esteem and boost mood and the ability to think positively. Did you totally just roll your shoulders back and down? I bet you’re feeling better already! When all else fails: crack a smile! Nobody likes hearing “Give me a smile!” But if you’re down, frustrated or angry and you are ready to feel better, smiling or laughing might be the nudge you need, even if it feels forced at first. Facial feedback research suggests there’s indeed a two-way street between facial expressions and emotions! Also, when I’m about to lose it on my kids and I plaster a smile on my face, I swear it confuses them into submission. Try it! Next, read inspiring life quotes.
